PLEASE LISTEN TO WHAT I AM NOT SAYING.

Founded by Dr. Randy Dellosa,Life Change Recovery Center (LCRC) is a psychiatric facility and rehabilitation center for people suffering from schizophrenia, depression, addiction, and other unmanageable behaviours. It is located at #105 Scout Rallos Street, Brgy. Sacred Heart, Kamuning, Quezon City.

For further information about LCRC, you may contact 415-7964 or 415-6529. You may also visit www.randydellosa.com

 Day 11: January 6, 2010; Wednesday

For the morning session, the residents had their aerobics, since naayos na yung player nila, ginamit na nila yung video ng aerobics so hindi na si Gayle ang kanilang instructor. Kaso bago pa makalahati yung aerobics, pinalabas ni Sir Al yung half sa'min (kasama ako dun) para i-segregate yung mga artworks/outputs ng bawat residents. Sobrang dami na pala yung mga artworks/outputs nila nahirapan kami paghiwa-hiwalayin, may mga artworks pa na 2 years ago pa, wala na yung mga residents na iba actually eh. May mga residents na creative talaga sa mga drawings nila, siguro nae-enjoy din nila talaga na gumagawa ng mga artworks sa pag-express ng mga nararamdaman nila, tulad nung nagpagawa kami para sa Christmas. Akala ko nung una baka isipin nila na masyadong childish yun pero nag-enjoy pala sila. :) Anyway, sa sobrang dami ng artworks, naghihiwalay pa din kami after ng aerobics nila until 12 noon halos. Whew!

For the afternoon activity, nagpe-prepare na pala si Sir Al ng activity - poem reading with sharing. Para magkaroon kami ng idea kung paano mangyayari at yung gagawin sa processing kasi mai-involve din kaming practicumers sa activity, Sir Al asked us to read the poem and choose a line that strikes us or we like most. Since the poem is really nice, I would like to share it with others who might read this blog. :)

PLEASE LISTEN TO WHAT I AM NOT SAYING

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks
Masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me.
But don't be fooled, for God's sake, don't be fooled.

I gave you the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without.
That confidence is my name, and coolness my game;
that the weather's calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one.

But don't believe me. Please.
My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.

But I hide this, I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and my fear of being exposed.
That's why I frantically crate a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant, sophisticated facade,
To help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such glance is precisely my salvation, my only salvation. And I know it.
That is, if its followed by acceptance, if its' followed by love.

It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself.
that I'm really worth something.

But I don't tell you this. I don't care. I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh and your laugh will kill me.
I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good,
and that you'll see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate game, with a facade of assurance without,and a trembling child within.
And so begins the parade of masks. And my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing, and nothing of what's everything.
Of what's crying within me.

So when I'm going through my routine, don't be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying.
What I'd like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say,
but which I can't say.

I dislike hiding honestly,
I dislike the superficial game I'm playing,
the superficial, phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine and spontaneous and me.


BUT YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME. 

 The line with a highlight was my chosen line. I chose that line because it literally explains why am so often feel. I do not like being exposed - to rejection especially, and it is one of my weakness.

So we (practicumers) did an experiencing of the activity with Sir Al as the facilitator while waiting for the residents to finish their snacks. We did that because Sir Al would divide the residents into several groups and we will facilitate in each group the processing. During our experiencing, I felt a little shy in sharing and scared that I might not be able to do my part well as a facilitator during the activity.

At the session hall during the afternoon activity, Sir Al had divided the residents and each of us had 3 residents each. I was put in charge with the group of residents - R(male), P(male), and D(female). My first reaction was- why them? I'm afraid I can't handle them. Based on my prior observation, P does not participate in discussion; R is a type of man who does not like talking, he actually hates noise according to another practicumer and D has resistance towards sharing. Again, I felt hopeless on how am would encourage them to talk.

Naging okay naman kahit paano yung discussion namin, kasi si Ate D and Kuya R naman ay nag-share, kaso mabababaw lang, ayaw nila mag-elaborate or i-explain further, especially Ate D. Si Kuya P naman, wala siyang binigay na dahilan kung bakit yung binasa niya (first stanza) yung nagustuhan niya, yun lang daw gusto niya basahin saka kung ano na daw yung nakasulat dun yun a yung explanation nya. So nag-share na lang din ako tapos tinuloy ko na sa processing. Haay. Nalungkot naman ako dun, hindi kasi ako nasatisfied sa nagawa ko. On the other side, natuwa na din ako kasi first time kong makausap silang 3.